Ain't no dragin' in Uprooted, by Naomi Novik

Uprooted

Naomi Novik

New York: Del Rey, 2015

ASIN: B00KUQIU7O (read on Kindle)

“Our Dragon doesn’t eat the girls he takes, no matter what stories they tell outside our valley. We hear them sometimes, from travelers passing through. They talk as though we were doing human sacrifice, and he were a real dragon.

I’ll cop to why I read this: I skimmed the summary, read the words “dragon” “girls he takes" and “human sacrifice” and was all, Ooooh. But it also sounded like Dealing with Dragons -- naturally I was in!  I was hoping for a cozy magical book of cozy magic and some adventure.  This is also why I’ve taken the lazy route and used the publisher review instead of writing my own.  I’m not 100% a bad reader...but maybe 80%, because I clearly stopped reading in depth after the first part sentence and missed the second part of the description, in which it clearly states that the dragon is not actually a real dragon:

Of course that’s not true: he may be a wizard and immortal, but he’s still a man, and our fathers would band together and kill him if he wanted to eat one of us every ten years. He protects us against the Wood, and we’re grateful, but not that grateful.” 

Agnieszka loves her valley home, her quiet village, the forests and the bright shining river. But the corrupted Wood stands on the border, full of malevolent power, and its shadow lies over her life.

Her people rely on the cold, driven wizard known only as the Dragon to keep its powers at bay. But he demands a terrible price for his help: one young woman handed over to serve him for ten years, a fate almost as terrible as falling to the Wood.

The next choosing is fast approaching, and Agnieszka is afraid. She knows—everyone knows—that the Dragon will take Kasia: beautiful, graceful, brave Kasia, all the things Agnieszka isn’t, and her dearest friend in the world. And there is no way to save her.
But Agnieszka fears the wrong things. For when the Dragon comes, it is not Kasia he will choose. (Publisher text)

WHATEVER. But omg you guys -- forgive Naomi Novik her lack of dragon.   Also me, for not being able to read, because it clearly states several times that there are no real dragons to be had.  I’m realizing I may not be what your English teach referred to as a reliable narrator (reader), but give me a second chance, mmmkay?  You’d hate to miss out on this one.

This book is so not even just that jacket flap...that’s just like the first three chapters of many chapters, and then it is all that and a bag of freshly baked hot biscuits.  I know, because I actually paid attention (after realizing I wasn’t, obvi).  It goes well beyond what is advertised and proved quite the fairy-tale adventure!  This book is so. so. awesome. I was not anticipating it, and it took me completely by surprise.   It’s not at all the book you think you’re going to read when you start off, but it is the fantasy novel I’ve been wanting to read for a while but hadn’t found until halfway through the book.  Another way to say that is that I was sad because it ended, and that’s a sign of a good book to me.  Another another way to say it is that it is magical, and I was enchanted (womp womp).  By now, you should know me well enough by now to not expect better than bad puns of me when I’m really delighted by something...

There’s a heck of a lot of character growth, a lot of empowerment, a lot of magic, but of a practical sort (nature! cleaning! also fashion!), zero actual dragons (stop rubbing it in those of you who can read good), some steamy scenes, action, adventure, romance, nature, empowerment, etc.  Basically, it’s like Graceling meets Fantasia meets a Grimm fairy tale in rural peasant-y Russia or somewhere Eastern European with just a slight touch of Dealing with Dragons.  It may make you want to try borscht (note: I still haven’t ever tried borscht).  Is this one for kids, as I initially thought it might be, given that I thought it would be like Dealing with Dragons? Probably not anyone younger than 15 or 16  if you’re not cool with them reading a sexy sex scene.  I’d say it’s probably mostly cool for mature teens, who will probably love this, and wouldn’t hesitate to recommend it.  But if that worries you, you’ve been warned!  The rest of you pervs can read up (kidding - you real pervs are reading Outlander.  And loving it!).  

Poisoned Apple Gingerbread Cake (is fairy delicious)

Poisoned Apple Gingerbread Cake

Well, lords and ladies of your own kitchen tables, I made a magical recipe for my book club this month (the real one, not the one I fake started online to motivate myself and still haven't finished...).  We read a compilation of rewritten short fairy tales by Emma Donoghue, Kissing the Witch.  The book was fine - a great quick, LGBTQ reworking of 13 known stories - but the recipe, my friends, came to me in a vision sent by my very own fairy godmother: my stomach.

 

I mean, they're fairy tales, right?  We're all familiar with the ol'poisoned apple trick, right? And how you should never ever enter a gingerbread house if you find one in the woods, even if it smells really good and you're really, really hungry, right?  This also comes to mind.  Naturally, my mind first jumped to conclusions of a caramel apple nature, but I a) don't really like said caramel apples, and b) I wanted to make it poisoned...which in my mind equals booze.  In this case, rum, because rum+cake generally portend good things.   Judge away, teetoallers; this one is for you! I also really, really like gingerbread.  It's so good, you guys.  Double naturally, I just had to combine these things.  And so I did - behold, my glorious, beautiful, Poisoned Apple Gingerbread Cake!

Oh look!  It's my busted ugly stepsister of a Poisoned Apple Gingerbread Cake!

Errrrr...that is one busted ugly stepsister of a cake!  Guys, I think I got my yearly recipe collapse syndrome out on this one.  Or else an evil witch cursed me.  I'm inclined to go with the former, though.  Does anyone else suffer from this?  (I know some of you chocolate banana fiends just had a case of it!)  Like many Grimm fairy tales, this cake did not have an attractive ending.  Some of the cake decided to stay put in the Bundt pan, half came out, and the remaining pieces tragically fell into my mouth...

Poisoned Apple Gingerbread Cake
(so good I suspect it's laced with a love potion)

Long story short, this is a delicious, but super heavy and moist cake.  My oven also tends to overcook, and I was a little more proactive about not doing so, to the point where though it was cooked, it probably should have been a little more dried out, almost erring on the overcooked side (especially because you'll be adding more moisture at the end).   In the end, though I was sad it was a supremely unattractive cake, it almost worked.  I mean, it's supposed to be poisoned, right?  It looked pretty dodgy!  More importantly, the flavors more than make up for it. I'm pretty sure I actually laced it with a love potion, not poison, because it is so delicious, to the point where I ironically ate so much that I got a stomachache...from ginger. Luckily there are MANY fairy tale adaptations (some included below the recipe), that you can use it for many book clubs of your own - let me how yours turn out!

Tips and Notes:

- Don't mess around with preparing your pan.  Grease it up, and then generously flour it down.  Seriously.  Look at my cake.  I'm not joking.

- The next time I make this, I plan to sub in 1/2 cup of wheat flour to see if it helps dry things out a bit.  If you do, let us know how it turns out!

-  I used a combination of Blackstrap molasses and Corn Syrup, because that's what I had.  The original recipe suggests just using dark molasses.  Pick your poison (ba dum?).

- Make sure that the cake is well cooked.  Prick with a skewer to test, and when it comes out clean, give it approximately 5 more minutes.  I'm dead serious; there's a lot of liquid in this one.

- If you are lazy, you can mix the cake all in one bowl.  This might, however, be why the gods of Pastry and Dessert smote me...whatever.  If you want to mix it in multiple bowls, check out how Smitten Kitchen does it.

- I used Flor de Cana rum, straight from my Nicaraguan aventuras.  Use any rum, dark or light, you've got though!

- I used Fuji apples, and would recommend sticking with a sweet, slightly sturdy type that will soften but still hold the rum mix and some semblance of shape.  I consulted the Apple Lover's cookbook!

- I got this recipe from a holiday cookbook released by my graduate school; it had been adapted from Smitten Kitchen, where it had been adapted from the Gramercy Tavern.  I also looked at The Apple Lover's Cookbook, where there is a chaste and different version of an apple gingerbread cake, and The New Best Recipe, for rum glaze ideas (isn't anything involving rum subsequently glazed, especially your eyes?)

Poisoned Apple Gingerbread Cake

Poisoned Apple Gingerbread Cake

It only took three months!

I have been meaning to post these since the dawn of time. Lies. Really though, since February 23rd, whence I first actually wrote them. SO. Here are some very brief annotations for two books. This was done for my work summer reading list. Liked later, and was impressed by the writing skillz on the first...but I'll just say that I really only recommend one of them. The one I liked. That is all.

Ella Minnow Pea, by Mark Dunn

On a small island nation that reveres the English nation, tragedy strikes when a sign with the country motto “A quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog,” begins to loose its letters. With each fallen letter banned from being spoken or written under the fear of banishment or death, the islanders are in a race to find a new motto including every letter in the English language – before they are silenced all-together!

(Good for high schoolers who can appreciate the wordplay and/or are learning about exile).

Stardust, by Neil Gaiman

A young man sets off on a quest into the walled off world of Faerie to find a fallen star for his beloved, who has promised him a kiss if he brings it back to her. This new fairy tale is filled with adventure, humor, danger, romance, wit, and magic; in short, just what every non-Grimm fairy tale needs!

(Fun! Fun! I love fairy tales! Great for 8th-10th graders and older; some sexytimes if that is a concern for you. Probs an easier sell to girls than boys, but the added perk of a movie may sway reluctant readers.)

The Princess ap-Pea-ls to me

The Princess and Pea. Child, Lauren (2006).
NY: Hyperion. ISBN: 0786838868

Lauren Child is best known for her Charlie and Lola series of picture books (and television show). Her version of the Princess and the Pea is a definite departure from these, artistically, in genre, and in style. This mixed medium work (photographs of collaged dioramas) aims for and reaches an older audience than that of her hit series. A grade 2 and up audience can appreciate the complexity present in the juxtaposition of miniature 2-dimensional characters with miniature 3-dimensional environments, and may also enjoy seeing doll house furniture used this way. Curious readers will be pleased to find the creative process detailed in the back end papers. The hybridization of styles greatly enhances the story, drawing the reader further into Child’s imaginary world. This playful and fanciful retelling of the classic fairy-tale, the Princess and the Pea maintains this fun tone from the illustrations on down to the text and even to the font, which changes periodically when it comes to a word that is key to the telling of the story. Older readers will enjoy the conversational (“You know what parents are like, and a prince’s parents are no different.”) and often comically mocking (“No, if he couldn’t marry for love, then he would rather live alone for all eternity, gazing at all the stars in the night sky. Not only was he romantic but also a little dramatic.") tone of this work. This beautiful book is for people young and older who enjoy witty dialogue and innovative eye-catching illustrations.

In related news, I totally love this picture book, and not just because I have a bit of a thang for fairy tales (in related related news, read Fables, by Bill Willingham if you are a grownup who likes fairy tales. You're welcome). Any author/illustrator who can make me laugh while reading a picture book deserves a high five. The illustrations in the Princess and the Pea are gorgeous and memorable but what really makes this book is the cheeky tone carried throughout in both prose and illustrations. Kids will dig this book, but methinks their parentals will dig it more. Lauren Child, could you please illustrate my life?